Friday, January 16, 2009
I Fucking Hate It Already
Obama drops his BlackBerry
11:53 AM CST on Friday, January 16, 2009
Associated Press
WASHINGTON — Barack Obama's cherished BlackBerry slipped through his fingers Friday — but it was only a butterfingers moment.
Obama, who has been reluctant to relinquish the combo cell phone and e-mail device when he becomes president, dropped his BlackBerry and its hard plastic case onto an airport tarmac as he emerged from his fortified vehicle.
A Secret Service agent hustled to pick it up.
Secret Service officials are among those urging Obama to give up his BlackBerry habit, because it causes security worries. Lawyers think it also poses difficulties in keeping public records.
The wireless e-mail and phone device is Obama's constant companion and link to the outside world.
Told about the fumble, Obama spokesman Robert Gibbs quipped: "That may have solved his BlackBerry dilemma, right? Forget the lawyers!"
No word yet on whether the BlackBerry still works.
Are you fucking kidding me? There's nothing else in the world going on apparently. At first glance this would appear to be an article from The Onion, but no, it's an Associated Press news story. I can picture the reporter on this story, drinking from the flask in his desk, ruffling through his briefcase trying to find the .38, and just sitting at his desk wondering why he spent 4+ years at George Washington University attaining that journalism degree. Did Murrow or Cronkite have to cover shit like this? The world sucks. As long as there are people in it, it's gonna suck balls.
Kill me. Kill me now. No funeral. OFF.
11:53 AM CST on Friday, January 16, 2009
Associated Press
WASHINGTON — Barack Obama's cherished BlackBerry slipped through his fingers Friday — but it was only a butterfingers moment.
Obama, who has been reluctant to relinquish the combo cell phone and e-mail device when he becomes president, dropped his BlackBerry and its hard plastic case onto an airport tarmac as he emerged from his fortified vehicle.
A Secret Service agent hustled to pick it up.
Secret Service officials are among those urging Obama to give up his BlackBerry habit, because it causes security worries. Lawyers think it also poses difficulties in keeping public records.
The wireless e-mail and phone device is Obama's constant companion and link to the outside world.
Told about the fumble, Obama spokesman Robert Gibbs quipped: "That may have solved his BlackBerry dilemma, right? Forget the lawyers!"
No word yet on whether the BlackBerry still works.
Are you fucking kidding me? There's nothing else in the world going on apparently. At first glance this would appear to be an article from The Onion, but no, it's an Associated Press news story. I can picture the reporter on this story, drinking from the flask in his desk, ruffling through his briefcase trying to find the .38, and just sitting at his desk wondering why he spent 4+ years at George Washington University attaining that journalism degree. Did Murrow or Cronkite have to cover shit like this? The world sucks. As long as there are people in it, it's gonna suck balls.
Kill me. Kill me now. No funeral. OFF.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Well, fuck me
Sorry. Been busy.
Brief recap:
Thanksgiving kicked ass. Ate a shitload of good food, watched some football, rejoicing a-plenty with friends and family. Good times.
Work has been busy. Real fucking busy.
Christmas was incredibly fucking awesome. Kid had a good one and behaved for the most part. I received some sweet stuff, and there was more gratuitous rejoicing.
Depression. Christmas is over and I hate it. Ready for the tournament season.
That's about it in a nutshell.
I got several gift cards from Santa et al, and all are spent except one. I'm a spending motherfucker. Most of them were from Bass Pro Shops - my Mecca - and it took all of 3 minutes to blow through them. I rule.
How 'bout them Cowboys! If getting booed out of the final game at Texas Stadium weren't enough, they get cornholed, skull-fucked, pistol-whipped, and any other violent sadistic behavior you can think of, in Philly. I almost cried. There really is a Santa Claus because he's the only one that could have brought a gift like that for me. Well, him or Wade Phillips. That was possibly the greatest game in Cowfuck history. The biggest game of the season for them, and they drop a turd like that. I love the fucking Cowboys. Gutless turds. Pre-season Super Bowl favorites to missing the playoffs. If the sports media would consult me before throwing out wild-ass claims such as that, they might not look like the blithering dumbfucks they are now. I love me.
2009 will be a good year. I'm gonna lose a shitload of weight, catch a shitload of fish, and my daughter will not be the demon spawn she's been at age 3. Here are some of the things I am looking forward to in the coming year and the likelihood of them happening on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being nearly a lock:
Events Likelihood
Simplifying my life 7
Making more money 5
Improving my golf game 2
Playing golf at all 3
Playing Tiger Woods Golf on Wii 7
Spending more time with the family 9
Fishing more 8
Winning a tournament 7
Not winning a tournament due
to losing a big fucking fish at the boat 9
Falling out of the boat at least once 8
Trying to have more sex with wife 10
Having more sex with wife 1
Having more sex with myself 12
Blogging more often 2
Exercising 9
Getting hurt while exercising 8
Getting hurt while washing truck 7
Getting hurt while sleeping 9
Making any more stupid lists 1
In 2009, I plan to be on. On my game. On the lake. On my wife. On the list of lottery winners. Just on.
*edit: I hate this goddamn thing. That list was nice and neat when I typed it. This fucker blows. I might have to move to a different blog site or something. Fuck.
Brief recap:
Thanksgiving kicked ass. Ate a shitload of good food, watched some football, rejoicing a-plenty with friends and family. Good times.
Work has been busy. Real fucking busy.
Christmas was incredibly fucking awesome. Kid had a good one and behaved for the most part. I received some sweet stuff, and there was more gratuitous rejoicing.
Depression. Christmas is over and I hate it. Ready for the tournament season.
That's about it in a nutshell.
I got several gift cards from Santa et al, and all are spent except one. I'm a spending motherfucker. Most of them were from Bass Pro Shops - my Mecca - and it took all of 3 minutes to blow through them. I rule.
How 'bout them Cowboys! If getting booed out of the final game at Texas Stadium weren't enough, they get cornholed, skull-fucked, pistol-whipped, and any other violent sadistic behavior you can think of, in Philly. I almost cried. There really is a Santa Claus because he's the only one that could have brought a gift like that for me. Well, him or Wade Phillips. That was possibly the greatest game in Cowfuck history. The biggest game of the season for them, and they drop a turd like that. I love the fucking Cowboys. Gutless turds. Pre-season Super Bowl favorites to missing the playoffs. If the sports media would consult me before throwing out wild-ass claims such as that, they might not look like the blithering dumbfucks they are now. I love me.
2009 will be a good year. I'm gonna lose a shitload of weight, catch a shitload of fish, and my daughter will not be the demon spawn she's been at age 3. Here are some of the things I am looking forward to in the coming year and the likelihood of them happening on a scale from 1-10, with 10 being nearly a lock:
Events Likelihood
Simplifying my life 7
Making more money 5
Improving my golf game 2
Playing golf at all 3
Playing Tiger Woods Golf on Wii 7
Spending more time with the family 9
Fishing more 8
Winning a tournament 7
Not winning a tournament due
to losing a big fucking fish at the boat 9
Falling out of the boat at least once 8
Trying to have more sex with wife 10
Having more sex with wife 1
Having more sex with myself 12
Blogging more often 2
Exercising 9
Getting hurt while exercising 8
Getting hurt while washing truck 7
Getting hurt while sleeping 9
Making any more stupid lists 1
In 2009, I plan to be on. On my game. On the lake. On my wife. On the list of lottery winners. Just on.
*edit: I hate this goddamn thing. That list was nice and neat when I typed it. This fucker blows. I might have to move to a different blog site or something. Fuck.
Monday, November 24, 2008
Love To Eat Turkey In My Big Brown Shoe
I am sooooo ready to throw a phat munch on Tryptophan Tom and all his culinary cohorts in a few days, if for nothing else than a break from everyday life. Motherfucker it's been busy. Work has been pummeling my ball sack for a few weeks now and there's not much relief in sight. Couple that with a myriad of other confluences such as Squidley's dance class, Wub's rubber dick and food businesses, and general housework somesuch, I'm a tired old bastard.
I did get some good loves with my honey mixed in there where I think sparks flew out of my ass and nearly set the bedroom on fire, but that was just a small price to pay for a premier pickle tickle. We may have to invest in some asbestos curtains...
I'm fucking tired of hearing about the "high gas prices" and hybrid this and ethanol that. Apparently none of these fucking people are paying attention, but gasoline is cheap right now. The station by my house has it for $1.66 - nearly pre-Katrina levels. Granted, it probably won't stay this cheap forever, but who knows? Also noticed that the bloom is off the ethanol rose. That was quick, you stupid fuckers. Ethanol when burned produces less energy per gallon than gasoline so it takes more of it to produce the same amount of power necessary to propel a particular vehicle. For example, my truck is Flex Fuel capable, which means that I can run ethanol as well as gasoline, or any combination of the two. The first tank I ran was ethanol, and while cheap as hell, I was rewarded with maybe 11 mpg. Nice. Filled up with gasoline and returned nearly 16 mpg. Any and all savings by using E85 was negated by the fact that you have to fill up more often. But, Joe and Susan Dumbfuck see only the cheap price on the gas station marquee and think it's gonna save them some money. Oh, and it lessens the dependency on foreign oil. Ummmm... not so much. The ethanol is refined using oil-burning machines, trucked everywhere by diesel trucks (more oil burning), and as the demand went up for ethanol, so did the use of oil. To top it all off, the price of corn skyrocketed, as did the price of beef (cows eat corn-based feed).
So, with all that said, I'm gonna enjoy my full-size truck with my V8. I'll probably add a few performance goodies to increase the horsepower and use more of that precious gasoline. At a $1.66, who the fuck cares?
Oh, one more thing. Any Prius owners out there? Fuck you. Those are statement cars and nothing else. Sure they get good gas mileage, so does a base Honda Civic and you're not paying over sticker or being put on a waiting list to buy one. Eat shit. I make it a point to put the hammer down and smoke those little turds on wheels, just for my own personal satisfaction. it makes me smile. I shun anything Hybrid. Especially the Tahoe and Escalade Hybrids with
HYBRID along the side. Wow, you're an environmentally concerned citizen. Here's the key to the city. Now fuck off. I would buy a diesel before I would lay a fucking penny down for a hybrid of any kind. Can't wait to see what the long term costs are on all these drivetrains. Complexity is cheap, right? Fuck, I know how expensive it is now for a basic pushrod V8 engine whose roots go back to the fucking '60s. Good luck with all that.
There's something to be said for simplicity. Case in point, my wife's car has a CVT (Continuously Variable Transmission). Basically, it doesn't have the gears that a normal transmission has and feels like a golf cart. It's different and takes some getting used to, but it supposedly improves gas mileage and eliminates "gear-hunting" that some normal automatics experience. I'm still not sold on it and kinda miss the "kick down" when I need to get on it for highway passing and such. Anyway, the price to replace one of those cocksuckers? $6500. Yikes. The cost to replace the 4-spd auto tranny in my '97 Trans Am? $1600. Granted, that's 10 yrs ago, but in today's dollars, it's only about $2100 or so. I am a firm believer in the KISS-FM theory. Keep It Simple Stupid you Fucking Moron.
Finally hooked up the Wii Fit this weekend. I was somewhat surprised what my Wii Fit Age was... 46. I expected it to display a headstone and a funeral scene. It was cool. I'm fat and out of shape, and while I didn't need some Japanese bubblehead fuck to tell me that, I'm trying to use it as motivation to get some of this weight off. I'm glad no one watched me do some of those exercises though. Especially the hula hoop. I looked like I was having a seizure. In my defense, there should not be a guy out there that is adept at hula-hooping and continue to call himself a male of the species. This Wii Fit thing should break the monotony of just running on a treadmill though and being able to track your progress is pretty sweet. Just need to make sure that all the blinds are closed.
I am notorious for singing a song in my head all fucking day, and today is no exception. This weekend was Motley Crue's "Motherfucker of the Year", which isn't a bad thing necessarily, as long as you don't sing it aloud. Previously, it has been Slipknot, Saving Abel, Godsmack, and while embarassing to admit, even Miley Cyrus (thanks Squidley). However, today just takes the fucking cake. What is it you ask?
The Winnie The Pooh Song.
"Winnie the Pooh. Winnie the Pooh. Chubby lil cubbie all stuffed with fluff, Winnie the Pooh..."
Over and over and over. And over.
Seriously. I don't know where it came from, but it has to stop. I tried listening to some Marilyn Manson and Tool, but I revert back to some pudgy yellow bear singing about honey and shit. My subconscious is an asshole.
I did get some good loves with my honey mixed in there where I think sparks flew out of my ass and nearly set the bedroom on fire, but that was just a small price to pay for a premier pickle tickle. We may have to invest in some asbestos curtains...
I'm fucking tired of hearing about the "high gas prices" and hybrid this and ethanol that. Apparently none of these fucking people are paying attention, but gasoline is cheap right now. The station by my house has it for $1.66 - nearly pre-Katrina levels. Granted, it probably won't stay this cheap forever, but who knows? Also noticed that the bloom is off the ethanol rose. That was quick, you stupid fuckers. Ethanol when burned produces less energy per gallon than gasoline so it takes more of it to produce the same amount of power necessary to propel a particular vehicle. For example, my truck is Flex Fuel capable, which means that I can run ethanol as well as gasoline, or any combination of the two. The first tank I ran was ethanol, and while cheap as hell, I was rewarded with maybe 11 mpg. Nice. Filled up with gasoline and returned nearly 16 mpg. Any and all savings by using E85 was negated by the fact that you have to fill up more often. But, Joe and Susan Dumbfuck see only the cheap price on the gas station marquee and think it's gonna save them some money. Oh, and it lessens the dependency on foreign oil. Ummmm... not so much. The ethanol is refined using oil-burning machines, trucked everywhere by diesel trucks (more oil burning), and as the demand went up for ethanol, so did the use of oil. To top it all off, the price of corn skyrocketed, as did the price of beef (cows eat corn-based feed).
So, with all that said, I'm gonna enjoy my full-size truck with my V8. I'll probably add a few performance goodies to increase the horsepower and use more of that precious gasoline. At a $1.66, who the fuck cares?
Oh, one more thing. Any Prius owners out there? Fuck you. Those are statement cars and nothing else. Sure they get good gas mileage, so does a base Honda Civic and you're not paying over sticker or being put on a waiting list to buy one. Eat shit. I make it a point to put the hammer down and smoke those little turds on wheels, just for my own personal satisfaction. it makes me smile. I shun anything Hybrid. Especially the Tahoe and Escalade Hybrids with
HYBRID along the side. Wow, you're an environmentally concerned citizen. Here's the key to the city. Now fuck off. I would buy a diesel before I would lay a fucking penny down for a hybrid of any kind. Can't wait to see what the long term costs are on all these drivetrains. Complexity is cheap, right? Fuck, I know how expensive it is now for a basic pushrod V8 engine whose roots go back to the fucking '60s. Good luck with all that.
There's something to be said for simplicity. Case in point, my wife's car has a CVT (Continuously Variable Transmission). Basically, it doesn't have the gears that a normal transmission has and feels like a golf cart. It's different and takes some getting used to, but it supposedly improves gas mileage and eliminates "gear-hunting" that some normal automatics experience. I'm still not sold on it and kinda miss the "kick down" when I need to get on it for highway passing and such. Anyway, the price to replace one of those cocksuckers? $6500. Yikes. The cost to replace the 4-spd auto tranny in my '97 Trans Am? $1600. Granted, that's 10 yrs ago, but in today's dollars, it's only about $2100 or so. I am a firm believer in the KISS-FM theory. Keep It Simple Stupid you Fucking Moron.
Finally hooked up the Wii Fit this weekend. I was somewhat surprised what my Wii Fit Age was... 46. I expected it to display a headstone and a funeral scene. It was cool. I'm fat and out of shape, and while I didn't need some Japanese bubblehead fuck to tell me that, I'm trying to use it as motivation to get some of this weight off. I'm glad no one watched me do some of those exercises though. Especially the hula hoop. I looked like I was having a seizure. In my defense, there should not be a guy out there that is adept at hula-hooping and continue to call himself a male of the species. This Wii Fit thing should break the monotony of just running on a treadmill though and being able to track your progress is pretty sweet. Just need to make sure that all the blinds are closed.
I am notorious for singing a song in my head all fucking day, and today is no exception. This weekend was Motley Crue's "Motherfucker of the Year", which isn't a bad thing necessarily, as long as you don't sing it aloud. Previously, it has been Slipknot, Saving Abel, Godsmack, and while embarassing to admit, even Miley Cyrus (thanks Squidley). However, today just takes the fucking cake. What is it you ask?
The Winnie The Pooh Song.
"Winnie the Pooh. Winnie the Pooh. Chubby lil cubbie all stuffed with fluff, Winnie the Pooh..."
Over and over and over. And over.
Seriously. I don't know where it came from, but it has to stop. I tried listening to some Marilyn Manson and Tool, but I revert back to some pudgy yellow bear singing about honey and shit. My subconscious is an asshole.
Friday, November 07, 2008
Happy Birthday Sweetcheeks!!!
Happy Birthday!
Don't worry honey, you'll get your big present tonight. It's your special day and you deserve it. I love you!
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Greetings Comrades
Let us rejoice, for we shall be witness to the rebirth of the Motherland!
Yippee.
Time will tell, but I'm nervous.
But more importantly, I have a big fucking dinosaur bone to pick with Oprah Bovine Winfrey. This fucking cuntbag had the audacity to exclaim "black people finally had a reason to vote."
I can't begin to tell you how pissed off I am about this. Our forefathers and grandfathers and great-grandfathers fought and died in several wars to give us the freedom to vote. You fucking racist cunt. Just because there was a black candidate there was a reason to vote? So you basically admit that black folks voted for him based on his skin color rather than the issues for which he stood? Nice. So, if the Democratic candidate was some grey-haired white guy with the same agenda, they wouldn't have made it to the polls? Fuck you Oprah. I hope Steadman finds some big-titted blonde white chick to bang and leaves your worthless ass. I wish nothing but failure on you and your career and I pray that someday you are stampeded by a herd of cattle.
Need to rehearse the Soviet anthem again... All hail the Motherland!
I bet there was some gin and juice imbibed last night and I can only imagine the lines at KFC and Church's...
Fuck.................
Yippee.
Time will tell, but I'm nervous.
But more importantly, I have a big fucking dinosaur bone to pick with Oprah Bovine Winfrey. This fucking cuntbag had the audacity to exclaim "black people finally had a reason to vote."
I can't begin to tell you how pissed off I am about this. Our forefathers and grandfathers and great-grandfathers fought and died in several wars to give us the freedom to vote. You fucking racist cunt. Just because there was a black candidate there was a reason to vote? So you basically admit that black folks voted for him based on his skin color rather than the issues for which he stood? Nice. So, if the Democratic candidate was some grey-haired white guy with the same agenda, they wouldn't have made it to the polls? Fuck you Oprah. I hope Steadman finds some big-titted blonde white chick to bang and leaves your worthless ass. I wish nothing but failure on you and your career and I pray that someday you are stampeded by a herd of cattle.
Need to rehearse the Soviet anthem again... All hail the Motherland!
I bet there was some gin and juice imbibed last night and I can only imagine the lines at KFC and Church's...
Fuck.................
Friday, October 24, 2008
I Knew It
Check this shit out... who was the poor fucker that had to study that?
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Not Many Bright Spots
With a couple of notable exceptions, the past weekend blew ass. Fucking Red Sox. Goddamn Aggies.
Bright spots were that my ladies finally came back from their SC vacation and how I missed them. Ten days is a long time to be without my sweeties and I struggled. Not sure I can handle it again...
Other bright spot was the implosion of the Cowboys. How I love it so. I'm rather surprised that the city of Dallas is still standing after getting cornholed by the Rams, who every swinging dick in the media and Cowfuck fan thought they would pound, regardless of who's injured or missing. It's the sense of entitlement that the Cowfucks have that annoys me most and I relish games like last week's and I'm fairly certain that the Buccaneers will skull-fuck them this weekend as well. These are good fucking times and I'm enjoying each and every one.
This blog just sucks. It's boring. It may have been marginally interesting when I first started it, but it's become just plain and rather milquetoast. I've given thought to just shitcanning this motherfucker, and I still might, but I guess I'll continue curing insomnia for the forseeable future, if only to keep me from doing shit here at work that I have no interest in doing whatsoever.
I could probably wax poetic about sex and how it makes me tick, but how many times can I critique undergarments and the different ways for me to attempt to pry the panties off my lovely wife? Well, quite often I suppose... maybe I need to go back to my roots.
Bright spots were that my ladies finally came back from their SC vacation and how I missed them. Ten days is a long time to be without my sweeties and I struggled. Not sure I can handle it again...
Other bright spot was the implosion of the Cowboys. How I love it so. I'm rather surprised that the city of Dallas is still standing after getting cornholed by the Rams, who every swinging dick in the media and Cowfuck fan thought they would pound, regardless of who's injured or missing. It's the sense of entitlement that the Cowfucks have that annoys me most and I relish games like last week's and I'm fairly certain that the Buccaneers will skull-fuck them this weekend as well. These are good fucking times and I'm enjoying each and every one.
This blog just sucks. It's boring. It may have been marginally interesting when I first started it, but it's become just plain and rather milquetoast. I've given thought to just shitcanning this motherfucker, and I still might, but I guess I'll continue curing insomnia for the forseeable future, if only to keep me from doing shit here at work that I have no interest in doing whatsoever.
I could probably wax poetic about sex and how it makes me tick, but how many times can I critique undergarments and the different ways for me to attempt to pry the panties off my lovely wife? Well, quite often I suppose... maybe I need to go back to my roots.
